Dear Dr. Betty,
My husband and I agreed to invite my daughter and her husband to live with us. They made some real estate investments that became such a burden they had to declare bankruptcy. We have a written agreement that spells out our expectations and commitments regarding rent and household chores. I am fine with giving them temporary support and having them be with us except for one thing. Now, I don’t have any time alone. I was enjoying some private time for self-expression after my last child took off for college. I returned to the fun and satisfaction of painting, and writing after putting them aside when the children were born 35 years ago. Now, my office/studio will become my daughter & her husband’s room. How and where can I ask for the opportunity to continue with my art without appearing selfish, insensitive or hurting anyone’s feelings? My husband complains if I take time for myself when our grown children are around.
Feeling Smothered in South Carolina.
Dear Smothered,
It is common for women to feel some guilt at taking time for ourselves, especially if family members are fearful or jealous of time away from them. Some family members may see your time away from them as rejection. Others might be used to having you be the primary social secretary and hostess. Both roles you may have resigned from years ago. Your husband may feel neglected when the children are demanding your time and energy.
More extended families are living in crowded conditions now that the economy has gone into a depression. Sharing a household with adult children can cramp anyone’s style. But, it doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice all of your privacy or give up your newly established creative groove.
Carl Jung once said: “Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living.” Most people restore themselves and feel a sense of freedom when they are alone and have time to be creative.
Here are some suggestions:
- Find a space that is just yours alone. Maybe it can be room in the garage or attic. Once I used a small walk-in closet to store my collage materials and map out my work. A friend of mine took up painting outdoors when she lost her studio in the down sizing of her living space
- Map out a block of time for yourself and put it on the calendar. Perhaps it will be just a morning or an afternoon at first. Many times if we don’t make an appointment with ourselves our time gets frittered away on distractions and meeting the needs of others.
- Have a talk with your husband to explain your desire for this time and space to develop your talents further. You may have to educate him about the importance of painting and writing in your emotional and spiritual life. These activities are more than just hobbies and not easily picked up and put down in small amounts of your spare time.
At this stage of life, many women want to have more depth in their lives and desire to live from their unique vantage point, exploring their creative gifts.
We have to make room for the special moments that allow us to feel vibrant, joyful and to live a full life that fills us with enthusiasm, and wonder. Such spaces sustain us, relax us and fortify us in times of stress.
In our fast paced, multitasking technology-filled life it is important to turn off the computer, cell phone, and the land line as well, to be present to your inner muse. Being distracted and tuned into technology makes us more a part of the machine world than the biological world. Because our lives have sped up, and so many gadgets that fill every minute surround us, we need more down time than ever, more time in the moment to process our lives and to refresh ourselves.
Keep hold of your goals for self-expression and stay focused on how you want to use your time, money and energy. You will be much happier and can share that joy with your husband, friends and family during this time of hardship. You are fortifying yourself to remain resilient and hardy at a very difficult, frustrating and disappointing time in our lives.
My best to you!
Dr. Betty
