Tripp, it’s nice to meet you. Oh, you still live at home? Goodbye!
In the movie, Failure To Launch, Tripp is a 35-year-old yacht broker who has yet to sail on his own, much to his father’s dismay. His conflicted mother is stressed if he stays and frightened if he leaves. If he goes she won’t have him as a buffer and she will have to develop a new relationship with her husband.
How many of your sons have come home upset at the beautiful woman who might have been? Yet his sadness and tears are not enough to float him into his own place to avoid similar dismissals.
It has become common today for 24-30+ year olds to have difficulty launching themselves into their own independent lives. Often, the most loving of parents have unwittingly nurtured this situation by offering too much help. Making the transition from lifeguard to coach and cheerleader does not come naturally to us parents. It is our instinct to shield our offspring from harm and to make life as easy and enjoyable for them as we can. That doesn’t sound so bad does it? Unfortunately, yes, it can create painful problems for all. And, as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am often called upon to provide help in such situations.
Parents can actually shake their daughters’ and sons’ self-confidence by bailing them out of every set back and mistake. The children don’t develop important problem-solving skills, which are so necessary for success in this stressful world. We won’t be around forever to patch their wounds, so we must allow them to learn to deal with frustrations at all levels.
The percentage of 26 year olds who live with their parents has almost doubled in the last 35 years. These extended stays at home, that are so prevalent today, are not exclusive to any particular socioeconomic level or ethnic group. Some of the contributing factors are that rents are up more than 40% from a decade ago. The ever-rising costs of health care, medical, and auto insurance make the world appear a lot less welcoming than Mom’s pancakes in the morning and fresh-baked cakes in the evening! The comfort and safety of being In My Room that the Beach Boys sang to teens in the 60’s has become applicable to a whole new age group.
Parents are asking if these young adults are afraid to grow up and to take on responsibility. Do they want to be free – and to live for free?
How can we empower our kids to move on? We must stop over-protecting and over- providing for them. What we do not want to do is to shield them from the natural consequences of their mistakes. Self-confidence, self-control and inner-strength can be learned by flexing the muscles of accepting responsibility for our actions and by the joy of hard work and commitment.
Before the movie came out, Paramount Studios contacted me because my book, Becoming a Wise Parent for Your Grown Child: How to Give Love and Support Without Meddling, dealt with the same issues as the characters in their movie. My co-author, Eileen Clegg, and I were honored to be interviewed for the DVD version of Failure to Launch. I was able to share more of my experience, of over 40 years, as an educator and therapist. I am similarly honored and grateful for the opportunity to write to other 50+ers here on the 50+Fabulous website! We are all learning about these phenomena together. I would love to hear from you about these issues. Till next time…. have a joyful day!
