Dear Dr. Betty,
My husband is hoping to have a gathering of his twenty something year old children on Father’s Day. This past year, he made a New Year’s resolution to improve his relationship with his grown sons. I had been encouraging him to reach out to my stepsons for quite a while, but he was reluctant for years to do so after they shunned him as teens when he divorced their mother. Since the New Year, we have been trying to reach out to them, but they don’t show much interest. Do you have any suggestions on how we can bridge this gap?
Answer:
Without knowing all the details, I can only give some general suggestions. I will assume that these young men are well on their way to becoming self-sufficient and that they are showing a little bit of interest in building a relationship again. It is not uncommon for tension that occurred between parents and children in the formative years to continue and lead to some form of estrangement, especially when a divorce occurs. It is common, however, for children to ally with one parent against the other or to disapprove of each parent’s new spouse.
I am assuming that approximately ten years have gone by. This may have been enough time for the sons to have matured and have learned more life lessons. It may also have been enough time for your husband to understand that we are all imperfect as parents and that there is always room to improve.
I applaud you both for wanting to establish a stronger and more loving relationship across the generations. The longer estrangement has taken place, the more patience you may need to see positive change. Often the gulf can be bridged when parents make a concerted effort over a period of time.
Having empathy for your sons’ difficult position, as children caught in a divorce, and yet trying to individuate at the same time will help with this effort. Trying to develop acceptance and compassion for your children’s “flaws” or immaturity will also be a key to healing. I suggest that you put resentment, need for approval, and blame aside now. Focus instead on being unconditionally loving, and on what you can do to take charge and make a difference in your sons’ lives.
Many of us have Hallmark fantasies attached to holidays. You and your husband may need to revise your expectations of a happy Father’s Day this year.
Here are some steps you might choose to take:
- It may be more realistic to begin slowly with a letter, a phone call or a short visit. Focus on creating a safe environment to gain understanding of each other and show appreciation and admiration.
- If you are both ready for a short visit, begin by arranging some light and easy contact. For example; meet in a public location and plan an activity together: a walk along the beach, a bike ride, or an informal luncheon or picnic.
- In cases of severe estrangement, I suggest that families begin with a reconciliation letter. The letter should include expressing remorse for mistakes you know you made as well as for those ways you might have unknowingly hurt your children. Unfortunately, people in families hurt each other. In the best of all possible worlds, those who offend stand up and apologize. Emphasize your wish to renew your relationship. On Father’s Day, your husband might enjoy sending his sons a recounting of fond memories he has of their childhoods. This will provide a shared history and provide a sense of place, meaning and belonging.
Keep in mind that 20-year-olds are trying to find their own way in this world, and to figure out their own identity. The 20’s are the time of life when people lean on their friends the most. They might not be very interested yet in family relationships. Your sons have very different needs than you do at your stage of life. The more you demand, the more they may stay away. Hugo Von Hofmannsthal said it well: “To grow mature is to separate more distinctly, to connect more closely.” The close connection is more likely to come when they become parents themselves. Be committed to keeping your door open even if you are met with indifference or even contempt at first.
A good sense of humor will come in handy right now. If your husband can laugh at his own foibles and mistakes, that will come in handy as he tries to navigate the complexity of relationships with adult children.
This is an opportunity for everyone to grow. Congratulations for being motivated to strengthen your family connection and deal with unresolved issues.
Best wishes to you!
Betty
