Dear Dr.  Betty,

Recently I have started to worry what others will think of me and find it difficult to just be myself.  For example, my eldest daughter is engaged to a loving young man who comes from a very well-to-do family.  His parents are very warm and open with me but I find that I feel inferior and can’t relax when I’m around them.  I have often struggled with my self-esteem but thought I had beat the problem long ago.  What can I do to be more self-accepting and authentic in these situations?  I want to be a good role model for my daughters ages 19, 22 and 26 and not be overly concerned with issues of status and material success. 

Single Mom in South Carolina

Dear Mom,

Recognizing and admitting that you feel uncomfortable is the first step in learning to relax and be more at ease.

Self-esteem can drop as people age, owing to losses of friends, family, finances or loss of health.  We are all susceptible to dips in our opinion of ourselves during periods of grief and transition.

As you know, self-esteem has many components.  Aspects include:  feelings of competence, resilience, contentment, self-control, significance, worth, attractiveness, approval from others, social skills and self-love.
Often, single people have difficulty relating to couples and vice versa. As Americans, we put quite a bit of emphasis on being in a married relationship.  Feeling a bit out of place and uneasy is to be expected.  It is also common to compare ourselves to others and to judge ourselves for not measuring up when we don’t have the same degree of wealth or education as others.   

Here are some tips to foster self-love and self worth.  I know you have been working on raising your belief in yourself; therefore these most likely are a review.

1.  Stop self-criticism.  Negative messages are a form of terrorizing of your self.  Find a memory of yourself that you are proud of and switch your put-downs to that pleasant and proud memory.  Remember a time or times when you felt especially strong, or competent.  This will help you to lovingly release some old patterns that may have gotten started long ago.
2.Be gentle and kind with yourself.  Treat yourself as you do those you love the most in your life.  Imagine what you might say to a good friend who is struggling with the discomfort you are feeling these days.
3.Remember to recognize your gifts and talents.  Remind yourself how well you are doing with most things in your life.  Where are you maintaining a positive self-image? 
4.Take care of yourself.  Self-care is a message to you about your value. What kind of fuel do you need to have optimum energy and vitality?  What kind of exercise do you enjoy?  Cherish your body.
5.What do you do that makes you feel especially good about yourself?  Plan to do more of the things that you enjoy.  You have a right to happiness and joy through out teach day even if it’s for just 5 minutes at a time.
6. Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book:  The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem offers many more ideas and activities to help explore your particular needs.  In the book he says,  “The acclaim of others does not create self esteem. Nor do education, material possessions, marriage, or parenthood.”

Relax in knowing that you are unique and get to know the real people who will most likely soon be your relatives.

Enjoy,
Dr. Betty