Dear Dr. Betty,

I have been keeping my guard up with my son-in-law. When I first met him he was only 19, very immature, needy, demanding and suffered from panic attacks. He lost his temper frequently, and was often jealous. I was upset that my daughter chose him as her boyfriend and then her husband. She often called me, upset when he wouldn’t return her ‘phone calls, would storm off drunk, or disappear for a day or so. Now five years later, after he received help through his college’s counseling program, and later his job, he has become more stable, sober and much more likeable. He is more able to see that my daughter genuinely loves him. He is also more mature in how he handles frustration at work and at home. Now that my daughter and her husband are in a better place with each other, I feel warmer towards my son-in-law. How should I express this? Should I apologize for the distance I felt between us when he was behaving poorly?  I’m finding it difficult to think of ways to reach out to him.

Warming Up in Alaska

Dear Warming Up,

It is so heartening to learn that you are freeing up energy that was tied to old feelings of distrust and disrespect for your son-in-law and are able to let go of old grievances. I take it that you are not interested in just going through the motions nor of sweeping past difficulties under the rug, and want an authentic relationship with him.

Your son-in-law seems to have grown a great deal over the past few years. He appears to be allowing himself to be cherished by your daughter, is now able to express a wider range of emotions, and is managing his anxiety and frustration.

It is often hard to begin to heal an estranged relationship. It makes me think of a quote by Mary Oliver:  “There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants easier?”

My interpretation of her thoughts is that loving others is complex and can be difficult at times, but loving is often rewarding and rich. Loving and caring for family members frequently requires creativity and patience from us.

I see that you are attempting to understand your son-in-law and you respect the hard work required to make the changes he has undertaken.  You are beginning to trust him more, and therefore see his strengths and are now able to find his good qualities.

I suggest that you reflect those positives back to him in the form of feedback and small gifts designed to show that you see his interests and talents. 

Through honest and genuine conversation you can show real appreciation and curiosity about his life and its challenges. Be sure to listen to him with total concentration. This way you will gradually build your relationship.

Don’t forget to share information about yourself too. This will ensure that your relationship is reciprocal.

Now can be the beginning of mutual kindnesses and small favors that will help both of you negotiate your life together. The more you interact with each other and learn to accept each other, the more your physical and emotional health and well being will be increased.

Drumming up the courage to connect doesn’t require that you apologize unless you actually were cruel to him in some way such as shunning him or being verbally disrespectful to him. If you did lose your temper, please explain that you were concerned about your daughter’s safety, and his.

 If you were too forceful in your disappointment and feel remorseful then ask for forgiveness for how you may have hurt him. As your conversations deepen you may want to let him know how his actions hurt you and your expectations for a healthy relationship in the future.

For more ideas and guidance, go to the website:  www. FetzerInstitute.com or Fetzer.org and click on: The campaign for love and forgiveness.  Here you may find more ways to feel free to live with more love and less fear!

Here is to a more engaged and accepting family life!

Dr. Betty