Dear Dr. Betty,

I am concerned about the amount of over-protectiveness my grown daughters and their husbands are showing towards my grandchildren and me. Because of their worry and fear, my grandsons ages 8 & 10, rarely spend time outdoors playing on their own or riding bikes around the neighborhood. The boys spend too much time indoors with electronics.

I am in good health, live alone, but in the same town as my daughters, and want to be free of the concerns of my grown children for my safety and security. Their father and I divorced 20 years ago. He does not attract the same hovering from them and he engages in far more risky activities and has more severe ailments than I do.

I thought I had modeled and fostered independence in my children. It hurts me to see them so fearful for their kids and me and to see that they are not as self-sufficient as I was at their age. They seem fearful and depend on me for money, childcare and emotional support. 

I want to give them advice about this hovering thing without meddling in their parenting. Do you have any ideas?

Independent in Indianapolis

Dear Independent,

The concept of freedom and dependence has changed a great deal since Sept 11.  People in general are more cautious, vigilant and prepared for things to go wrong. Many parents have become over-protective requiring children to stay indoors more or participate only in structured, supervised activities. The economy has forced families to pool their resources so that sometimes two and even three generations of family members are living under one roof, offering support in many different ways including child care, money and emotional support.

More families in the sandwich generation cling to each other and struggle with what is the appropriate amount of independence and freedom children and grand- parents should have.

It sounds like your family cares for you and each other very much. It may be time for a family meeting to talk about the issues of interdependence and wellbeing. Family meetings offer each member an opportunity to air concerns and brainstorm ideas to meet each other’s needs without squelching freedom or independence.

You can use your role in the family as an elder to provide leadership and role modeling on healthy aging, autonomy and individuation.  Use your influence to empower and encourage curiosity, creativity and activity for your grandchildren and your grown children.

One way you can do this is to take the boys out for nature walks in the neighborhood as well as in the greater community. Here, you can demonstrate your vitality, strength and health. You will also get the boys off the couch and give them a chance to explore the great outdoors. By providing unstructured outdoor play you and your grandsons will be building many skills as you have hands-on contact with the natural world.

Think about the times you enjoyed playing outside when you were a child. Did you have a favorite place you went or a fort you built? My brother and I would spend hours in the woods using our imaginations building huts, catching critters, examining jack-in-the-pulpits, climbing trees and eating wild strawberries. Sometimes we would pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and be gone all day making discoveries and creating elaborate fantasies of what life would be like when we grew up.  

I found the woods to be a healing place away from the stresses of having a family member who was chronically ill. My brother and I learned to make our own entertainment and developed a respect and sense of awe about the cycle of the seasons and the wonders of nature. The peace, solitude, freedom and the beauty we found in the woods, we treasure and seek out to this day.

Some grandparents I know choose to get their grandchildren out doors through gardening, harvesting their food, and visiting farmers’ markets.

Other ideas include:

• Go on planned hikes during the weekends.
• Walk near a river, lake or the ocean. 
• Bike ride on new community bike paths.
• Take the dog for a long walk together.
• Camp in the back yard. 
• Help your grandsons with nature collections.  Some enjoy finding special rocks, shells, leaves or bugs.   
• Make a ritual of watching the sun or moonrise regularly.
• Plant a fast growing seed in a cup.
•  Help them design and plan a tree house.
• Stargaze
• Encourage them to find natural play spaces in their neighborhood.

Research shows that contact with the natural world is good for mental, physical and spiritual health. Taking time out from T.V. and other electronic gadgets has been found to reduce obesity, and hyperactivity. People who take time to enjoy nature are more respectful and are willing to take responsibility for the care of the natural world.

Being outdoors provides a basic primary experience, one we can see, hear, taste, feel, and smell directly for ourselves.  Rather than being just a spectator of nature shows, or a passenger in a vehicle that drives through a park or preserve.

I share your concern for your grandsons and their electronics for I believe that when parents give into their fears or their urge to hover, they are limiting the development of those they love, and increase anxiety and decrease well being.

Your grandsons will experience themselves as more capable, strong young men as they learn to use their ingenuity outdoors. We need more creative thinkers who will thrive in our ever-changing world. Play in natural settings offers special physical benefits such as a better sense of balance, fitness, and agility. We all can remember a time spent in nature that helped us feel more restored, less anxious, and more optimistic.

Take their parents with you into nature sometimes too; it will help them develop more resilience, as well as help them feel calmer and more relaxed. Spending time with nature is stress reduction at its best! You will be creating moments of happiness and a sense of family bonding by having family time outdoors.

Many nature activities build self-confidence. Your family will see first hand how strong and hardy you are and may hover less. You will see their strengths as well. Everyone will feel nourished by your time together in nature. Have fun!

Dr. Betty