Dear Dr. Betty,
My thirty-year-old son wants to make his life easier and has asked me for advice. He has set goals in the past to simplify and organize his life but isn’t able to stick to his plans. His big problem is that he procrastinates. He rarely pays his bills on time, often shows up late, and puts off doing maintenance around his home and on his car. He waits until the last minute to buy gifts or “forgets” altogether. He was raised by an extremely authoritarian father and a (I hate to say this) lassiz-faire mother. I no longer want to fix his problems for him nor do I want to nag him; he’s too told and it doesn’t work anyway. The fact that he has asked for advice tells me he may be ready to tackle this problem. Do you have any ideas on how he can break his habit of putting things off?
No Nag in Vegas
Dear No Nag,
Procrastination can be a symptom of depression, anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem or just plain old complacency. Breaking the habit, no matter what the cause, requires determination, commitment and know how.Some people, who grew up in homes where parents demanded perfect compliance and obedience, procrastinate because they don’t trust themselves to do a good job or they find certain tasks tied to stressful memories.
Your son is smart to turn to you as a resource and possible coach. You now realize that the old techniques of bailing him out not longer work. The first step in changing a behavior is awareness and acceptance of the fact that there is a problem. You both meet those criteria.
I believe the overall goal should be for him to learn self-regulation. This means he can no longer depend on you to keep him on track. Once you give him ideas and resources you must back away and only be available to brainstorm or remind him of his goals and the steps he set up to reach his goals.
Here are some procrastination busters:
- Ask him to write a list of ways that his life will improve once he:
- Begins paying his bills before they are due
- Shows up on time
- Gives gifts and cards on appropriate days or even early
- Maintains his car and home.
Have him think in terms of, financial growth, safe home and car, time saved, improved self-esteem, more trusting bonds with family and friends.
Next have him list the negative results he has experienced and those that he will suffer if he continues on the procrastination path.
- Suggest that he tackle one area at a time and set goals with specific steps that need to be taken by a definite time.
- Anticipate those times when he might not want to complete a task because of fatigue or conflicting activity, and make a plan for that.
- List realistic rewards for tasks completed.
Let him know you will be a consultant only and that if he continues to have difficulty you will help him find a coach or counselor to provide more professional guidance.
A good book to consult is: Do It Now! By Dr. William J Knaus.
Don’t put off dealing with procrastination!
My best to you both!
Dr. Betty
