Dear Dr. Betty,

For the past five years, I have been dreaming of moving to a tropical island and beginning my semi-retirement.  My children are dead set against it because the island I want to live on is not known to have very good health care, and has frequent hurricanes.  They complain that it will be too far for them to travel, especially after they begin to have children.   As a single mother, I sacrificed for my two children for 20 + years.  My son and daughter, both single, enjoy each other and are now doing well and are thriving in their respective lives.  It has been my life long dream to live next to the sea and to re-engage with my hobbies of painting, poetry writing and photography.  I had to put those aside to raise my family.  Am I wrong to want to live my dream? 

Feeling Self-centered in Seattle

Dear Feeling Self-centered,

I understand that you have done your research and are not planning this move in an impulsive way.  However, I do want to give you some ideas to consider.

1. The fact that your children want you to live closer to them is heartening.  Their request should not be taken lightly.  I have worked with thousands of families that are not interested in living within easy reach of each other.  It is very positive that your children get along well with each other and care to visit you frequently.
2. I tend to agree with your children about their concerns for access to good, reliable health care.  You may want to talk to your doctor about your health status and then research where you can obtain specialist care for any conditions or possible high risk, inherited health problems.  If you do fall ill, your children may want to be able to reach you easily to provide emotional support and advocacy.
3. I am also concerned about your social life…. and your emotional well being. Having a strong social network is crucial to a happy and healthy old age.  Maintaining connections with a variety of friends and relatives is very important.   Keeping actively engaged with others extends life. Are your children concerned that you will be cut off from important connections and routines?  They may be concerned you will become isolated.
4. Perhaps your son and daughter are concerned because of the expense of travel for health care and family visits. You don’t mention what your financial situation is.  If you have money to leave the island frequently or to take care of the expenses of those who wish to visit you, being separated on an island may not be an issue. 
5. I admire your desire to get back to writing, photography and painting, the pastimes that you once enjoyed. The ability to participate in activities that support life-long learning and creativity can extend your life and make you happy as you age.

   As we age, our need to create deepens and our desire to seek novelty and unique experiences increases.  Expressing our creativity helps us feel good mentally because it promotes brain plasticity, flexibility and growth, helping to maintain our health.  Creative expression has a powerful anti-aging effect according to a study done at the National Endowment for the Arts.  It has been shown to raise self-esteem and enhance a sense of self-control and mastery.  Artistic endeavors distract people from their worries and boosts mood as well.

   Creative pursuits are also helpful in handling stress.  According to Dr. Herbert Benson, such activities can reduce blood pressure, heart rate, and other physical measures of stress.  His research has found that people actively engaged in the arts or other creative pursuits, use less medication, suffer less depression, and go to the doctor less frequently. Creative activities make retirement more rewarding and satisfying.  This cannot be denied. 

   Many of us have been trying to break out of lives that were written out by our parents or others.  Art enables us to practice feeling and thinking our own thoughts.  It restores us to a sense of wholeness.  Your creative work is essential.  I believe that it is important to our sense of fulfillment to create something from the pieces of our lives.  Writing and painting certainly offers that.   

   I agree with William Carlos Williams:

   It is difficult to get the news from poems yet men (and women) die miserably everyday for lack of what is found there.

6. Sometimes we look to exotic surroundings to lure our creativity out of its hibernating state.

I want to suggest that you can pursue your creative bent and yet remain close to your children.  Maybe you can try out island living by visiting for six months to a year just to test the water. (Pun intended).  Or you may want to compromise and live near the ocean, but within easy reach of your children and top-of-the-line health care.  Perhaps you can continue to grow close to your children, and possible future grandchildren, as well as deepen your talents in poetry and imagery.

Enjoy! 

Dr. Betty