Dear Dr. Betty,

I am a 57 year-old woman who has suffered from depression and anxiety for 30 years. My mother suffered as well and was hospitalized many times when I was growing up. I never wanted to admit that I needed help for fear of being separated from my children. My daughter, who is now 24, left home when she was 16 and has refused to have a relationship with me. She claims that my depression led to my neglect of her needs and forced her to be my caretaker. I am finally getting the help I need to manage my illness. Now that I feel stable, I have made a choice to reconnect with my daughter. Do you have any suggestions?

Willing to Work Hard

Dear Willing,

I am glad you are getting the care and relief that will allow you to focus on your family in a new way. You are doing the most important thing; taking care of yourself. It takes courage and grit to heal the disappointments of the past. Many grown sons and daughters have told me that they never knew what to expect from a depressed parent and over time gave up on trying to connect. They explained that some days their parents could be warm and nurturing and then other days, they would be distant, unresponsive, unstable or uninterested. Grown children of depressed parents are three times as likely to suffer from depression and anxiety than those who grew up in homes where parents were not depressed.  A predisposition to mood disorders may be inherited.

The good news is that children of depressed mothers start to function better once their parent’s depression lifts. This is a good time to face your past and provide support for your daughter who might have a genetic susceptibility to hopelessness and helplessness.

I suggest that you learn as much as you can about your illness so that you can explain the history of your behavior to your daughter.  She may learn about her own mental health too.

Another idea that has proven helpful is to take part in a few sessions of family counseling. A professional will create a safe environment to talk about difficult topics and help with strong emotions that may be shared. Clear boundaries will be set for your interaction.  Such therapy has been shown to foster forgiveness and reconciliation thereby nurturing late blooming love. Once the inner pain, resentment and guilt are worked with, your rift with your daughter can be healed and reconciliation will begin. 
Opportunities to truly resolve issues with a family member are available to you. You will feel so much more peaceful knowing you have made the choice to make this effort to build trust and express love.

Best wishes,

Betty Frain, Ph.D. MFT