Dear Dr.  Betty,

I’m making plans for the holidays. My grown children and their significant others are arriving to celebrate. It has been a difficult year financially and emotionally for all of us.  Every year I say that I’m not going to go over budget nor be extravagant and then I overdo it once again. I want to be a role model of responsible giving but I don’t want to seem like a cheapskate or a scrooge. My focus for the year’s holidays is to show love and appreciation without being as materialistic as I was in the past by giving oodles of presents. Do you have some tips on how to be generous in a new way without being frivolous?

Frugal in Florida

Dear Frugal,         

As we all know too well, the holidays are often a stressful time when we can become consumed by shopping for the perfect gifts, cards and decorations. Most of us have suffered financially in this downturn and need to watch our spending more closely.

From time to time I reflect on those people I have known whom I consider to be kind and generous.  I recall that each of them takes joy at being consistently affirming and thoughtful of others even in difficult moments. I see how vital and fulfilling their lives have become. They understand that happiness is not found in getting but in giving of themselves. I will share some ideas that I have gained from them. But first, take some time to think of those people in your life who taught by their example that happiness can be found by what you do for others.  Recall some of the most memorable gifts that you received that did not cost a great deal in terms of money but offered originality, insight into who you are, or expressed the creativity of the giver.

Remember too, the times when you experienced the warmth in your heart that came with giving of your innate talents. Thinking of those times and of those people will help you as you conjure up your creative spirit to give in new ways this holiday season.

Research on kindness and benevolence shows they are associated with better mental and physical wellbeing.  Being a role model for your grown children in this way can have health benefits and increase a sense of meaning in their lives as well.

You may want to announce ahead of time that you would like gift-giving to be different this year.  Encourage everyone to use his or her talents to create an experience or object that has a special meaning of love and connection. 

Here are some ways that others have found to share their talents without purchasing expensive gifts, but have still created lifelong, meaningful memories.

• Some family members may want to take a photograph and have it framed, others might enjoy making favorite foods, writing and framing a heartfelt poem or thank you note.
• Many people have decided not to post holiday cards this year but send email greetings instead. I think I will just send postcards and save envelopes and postage.  I like to make my own postcards with a favorite recipe, or express thanks for something special that happened during the year. 
• My next-door neighbor is having a wreath-making gathering for her family where they will make wreaths for family members, friends or for themselves.
• When the children were younger, we used to make our own gifts and wrapping paper. This year I plan to wrap gifts in scarves, pieces of material left over from sewing projects or use shelf paper that we decorate ourselves. Last year my son’s girlfriend decorated ribbon with buttons for a lovely effect. We saved the ribbon as a work of art and it’s now hanging in our bathroom for all to enjoy.
• One family I know always goes for a hike on holidays. This year, before they take off, they will drop off a gift of gloves and quality children’s books at the homeless shelter. Family members have been collecting them for the past few months from secondhand stores. 
• My friend makes it a tradition to write up inspirational poems and decorates them with collage, watercolor or sparkles and glitter. I have a wonderful collection spread around my home and office to brighten my days.
• Another family I know shows their appreciation of public servants by taking a basket of fruit or some homemade bread to the Fire or Police Departments in their town or to the nurses and doctors at the local hospital.  They do this instead of giving gifts to each other.
• Others volunteer as a family to serve the less fortunate during the holidays.  Sometimes, they spend the day taking care of animals at the local shelter, or making and serving food for the local soup kitchen.

There is so much turmoil and upset in the world right now and it’s easy to bring a little joy, humor, spirit and learning to others. Brent Farris of our local radio station KZST has encouraged his listeners to practice random acts of kindness on his morning show for the past 10 years. He told me this year he has spent $2,500 sending people out to do random acts. Whenever he has an extra 100 bucks he encourages one of his listeners to go on an adventure.  He has many wonderful and joyful stories to share. You could suggest to your family members that they practice random acts in lieu of gifts.

You can get more ideas on inexpensive and creative giving from Ecoartspace.com and RandomActsofKindness.com.

Gifts from your true heart improve morale, self-esteem, well being and increase a feeling of gaiety and happiness that money can’t buy. Have fun giving the gift of yourself.

Happy Holidays!

Dr. Betty