Dear Dr. Betty,

My grown son has his B.A., completed experience requirements and passed the exams to become a licensed architect. This took over eight years and many tens of thousands of dollars. Now he wants to work for a non-profit organization that will pay him very little. He plans to live in and rehabilitate a lighthouse. It doesn't even have running water and is only reachable by boat or helicopter. I didn't expect to be cut off from him nor did I anticipate that he would be making a low salary. I feel hurt, that after I supported him through college, he has chosen a field that will hardly pay the bills and will lead to him living a lonely, lower-middle-class lifestyle. Do I have the right to say anything to him about my disappointment? 

Let down in Louisiana.

Dear Louisiana Lady,

Your son sounds like he feels passionate about his work and that he has the self-confidence to follow his own dreams. 

I can understand that you might be disappointed in his choice of work and are concerned about his financial and emotional well-being. You may wonder if he is being realistic about his choices and if he will be able to carry out his plans. Perhaps you are worried that you will lose touch with him.

It is my opinion that you don't have a right to criticize him for his choice of lifestyle unless it is infringing on yours. He does seem to be resourceful and industrious and is taking charge of his life. I applaud him for his determination, motivation and courage to pursue something that it important to him.

Our children have their own purpose and attitudes about success and life satisfaction. The ideas of career and work-life have undergone a great deal of change since we were youngsters. The emphasis on money and accumulation of things is losing power every day as the country goes through its financial turning point.

A thirty year old woman recently gave me a copy of a definition, by personal coach Marcia Wieder, that sums up this change:  "Success: A self-defined way of being, the outcome of which, is a feeling of joy."

Research by Martin E.P. Seligman PhD. (author of Authentic Happiness) shows that beyond providing for basic needs and a safety net, money adds little to a person's subjective well-being. He also points to studies that show that while our real income in the United States has gone up 16%, our happiness has gone down 7%.  Money doesn't bring us joy.

Your son is focused, excited and committed to goals that are different than yours. This shows that he has individuated from you and has reached a level of maturity that many young adults have not been able yet attain.

I believe you can be proud of your son and even find ways stay connected to him and to support his success. He has found a unique opportunity that will allow him to make a positive contribution to preserving history and to educate others about an earlier chapter in our country's life.

As a parent, you can be proud of yourself. You have provided your son with a solid foundation whereby; he can use his creativity to pursue a burning goal and to do what he has been trained to do and also loves. This is a powerful gift that will make a huge impact on his life and the lives of others.

Even though your son has the strength of his determination and ambition he can still use your help. Don't fret. Instead, align with him, listen to him, trust him, and help him when he gets discouraged or stuck. Help him stay balanced as he goes after his dreams. Learn as much as you can about his interests. Ask him to be specific about how he will go about accomplishing his goals. He may be a risk taker; you can help him keep his feet on the ground, by being a resource for him and by being part of his network of support. This is an opportunity to partner with him in a new way. You may get some joy out of this project too!

You did a great job!

Dr. Betty