Dear Dr. Betty,

I have been dreaming of a new life for myself now that my children are grown and leading independent lives. I am aware of parts of myself that I have neglected and now want to invest in very different goals than I had in my youth.I am no longer interested in pursuing money, prestige, status and material possessions. In fact, I am giving away many of my books, clothes, photographs, artwork and other things. My children want me to save them in case they may want them later in life. I don’t have need for many objects. But my new goals include travel, community service, being outdoors gardening or bird watching and meditation. Fun activities are very important to me because I believe my true gifts can be expressed through them. My children have different ideas about how I should spend my time and money and wonder if I am being self -destructive.

Torn in Texas

Dear Torn,

You are at the stage of life when you can do more of what you love daily. You are no longer constrained by goals imposed on you by circumstances of being a wife and mother, work or economics. You are no longer led by the values you held when you were young and that is to be expected. It is natural to want to reinvest in different facets of life in middle age.

Gloria Steinem once said, “Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.”I encourage you to believe in your healthy, important and natural dreams.

When loved ones have strong reactions to our changes, it is usually because they don’t understand what is going on. You may need to have a heart to heart with them and share that you are letting go of old plans. You are now allowing new ones to develop as you open to a deeper, richer aspect of life that you feel passionate about. You might even ask for their support as you let them know that you are committed to this authentic growth. Invite them to join you as you give stuff away, meditate, and work in the garden or community. You can be a role model for them and show them that life can be a dream come true.

Betty Frain Ph.D. MFT