Dear Dr. Betty,

I fear that I am a perfectionist and that I have made my 28-year-old son into one as well. He has an advanced degree that has earned him a job with generous vacation and sick time he rarely uses. He wants things to be just so. I believe this often leads to him not knowing when to stop and enjoy life. Now he tells me he feels burned out. I grew up with a Mom who gave me the message that nothing I did was good enough. How can I help myself and teach my son that, most of the time, good enough is just fine?

Anxious in Arizona.

Dear Anxious,

It does sound like you both might be caught in the trap of perfectionism. This way of thinking and feeling can set up a steady voice of negative self-talk. Usually at the heart of perfectionism is uncertainty about how much and how well one performs. The focus is often on trying to please others and figure out how to meet their needs rather than doing what is best for yourself.

People who have perfectionist tendencies often set impossibly high standards for themselves and others with very little room for error. This can lead to seeing co-workers and family members as weak or inferior, causing frustration and hurt in those closest to the perfectionist. The stress of perfectionism can take a toll on health and well being, affecting sleep, nutrition and diet, as well as self-esteem.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when you are trying to overcome perfectionist tendencies:

• Celebrate success. Often times people are so focused on meeting their goals that they don’t take time to recognize the completion of a task or project and how it was well done, before they rush onto the next task. Take time out to recognize good efforts.
• Forgive yourself for your mistakes and try to learn from them. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the information and time that you had. Perhaps you have heard it said: “Everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we learn.” One of the most important skills we can learn is how to accept feedback and then self-correct. Feeling anxious and ashamed of our mistakes often leads to sense of failure rather than the attitude of… ‘What can I learn from this?”
• If he is willing, make some time for both of you to set new expectations and routines for yourselves.
• Help your son identify work changes he would like to make (i.e.: take vacation time and leave work on time; sometimes even early.) The key here is seeking a balance between work and play, family time and alone time. Identify some changes that you want to make for yourself to create balance and share them with your son.
• Give yourself permission to do less than a perfect job. This attitude will help you break the focus on the very thing you are trying to avoid which is criticism and negative evaluation.
• Share with your son how you have struggled with impossibly high standards yourself and that you are just now learning to figure out what you really need in your life.
• Plan ahead for the inner critical voice and have some responses handy. For example: “ It’s time to let go and come back to this later,” “This is a project that I can delegate to someone else,” “This doesn’t need to be perfect,” “The learning curve on this is steep, I’ll take a rest and get back to it when I’m refreshed and can think straight.”
• Be prepared for some people closest to you to be upset at your more relaxed attitude. You can explain that you are no longer willing to sacrifice your health and well being to meet standards that you no longer agree with.

Make more time for play, adventure, discovery, fun and creativity and also time to do nothing or take a nap.

Enjoy!

Betty