Dear Dr. Betty,

My husband and I have made our new year’s resolutions. I am putting a special emphasis on giving up bad habits and making better choices. In that vein, in addition to setting goals to get healthier physically, I want to make plans to make our family dynamics healthier too. Right now, our family is disconnected emotionally and physically. We want to repair our connection with my grown son from whom we are estranged. He made some mistakes involving drinking and driving, as well as getting involved with a young woman who had severe emotional problems.  We hear from his sister that he has taken responsibility for his D.U.I. and has matured, somewhat, in his romantic relationships. He has been asking about us, which makes me think he is ready to be an active part of our family again. How can we reach out to him?

Sincerely,
Making Resolutions in Washington

Dear Resolved,

Many of our best plans for the New Year are made impulsively, unwisely or unrealistically and are therefore a set-up for disappointment. It is refreshing to learn that you have chosen a very important goal: reconnecting and repairing your family relationships.  Jane Goodall said it well, “I have found that to love and be loved is the most empowering and exhilarating of all human emotions.” How wonderful that you are taking time to retreat and reflect on how to get your new year off to a loving start.

In order to achieve the goal of re-connecting with your son, you will need to forgive him for his irresponsible behavior. Taking this first step may be difficult.

Keep in mind that if you don’t succeed in reaching your goal of reunification immediately, you will have still improved your own wellbeing.  Forgiveness benefits the person doing the forgiving by lessening stress and increasing inner peace, knowing that one has taken a leadership role and tried their best to reach out with love.

There are many common steps to take to set and achieve your goals. These ideas can help you as you start out in attempting reconciliation. Use those that best meet your entire family’s needs .

• Reflect on your past with your son. What were some of the best times with him and what were the trials and tribulations? What did you enjoy the most and least?
• Recognize the growth that those outstanding times have brought you. Are there any principles that will guide you as you make plans for this upcoming reconciliation?
• If you dramatically want to increase the likelihood of meeting any goal, write it down. It’s easy to get caught up in talking about problems and solutions, wishes and dreams, but if you take the time to articulate them in written form, your chances of actually achieving a solution are heightened.
• Be specific and realistic in setting your goals.
• Keep your plan posted so that you both can see it and discuss it daily.
• Within your plan, write down actual dates when you plan to take specific steps.
• Share these goals with other members of your family. That way, those you love can be available to give you support, and maybe even additional ideas on how to enhance your relationship with your son.
• Do not be discouraged if you don’t get the results you want right away. As in anything worth pursuing, you will encounter difficulties and detours. Plan to regroup and self-correct; persistence is the key.
• Consider this: Is there something that you should apologize for? Be sure to ask for forgiveness if need be.
• What kind of support will your son require? Can you give it? Get clear with your husband about what your limits are and what you are willing to do or give.
• Make plans to consider the psychological factors that may get in your way, and how you will overcome them.  How might you work with your own, and your son’s, resistances? Family counseling may be helpful if there are complications.
• Will you need professional support to handle the problems of drinking and driving or other possible addictions? Find local professionals who can help you with these issues in case you need them.

These ideas will help you to clarify, focus and make an action plan. You and your husband can now empower yourselves to create a more loving family life. Begin at once to put your plan into action.  Identify something that you can commit to today and two other things you can do within this month. Now GO FOR IT!

I wish you and your family a healthy reunification.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Betty