Dear Dr. Betty,

My 30 year-old daughter and her two young children moved in with me after a rather traumatic divorce. They have been living here for almost a year and a half. I have been glad to help out, but now I feel exasperated. I need my peace and privacy back.  Originally, we had a verbal agreement that they would stay for a year or until my daughter had a job and some savings. She now has a good job in her field, with health and life insurance. I charged rent but unbeknownst to her, put it into a savings account for her first and last month’s rent. Am I selfish to ask her to leave when they are so comfortable here?

Feeling like a martyr in Maryland.

Dear “Martyr,”

I applaud you for setting some guidelines and for your generosity.  You have provided the safety net of a nurturing home for your daughter and grandchildren. I’m sure it has been a huge adjustment for all of you. You are not alone. According to the US Census, 80 million households have an adult child living at home.  The reasons vary, but 90% of them come back home for financial reasons.

Your daughter shows responsibility and direction by finding and keeping a job in her field. I imagine that she is enjoying the safety, security and stability that you have been able to offer her and the children. On the other hand, moving in with a family member is rarely a first choice for adults accustomed to independence.
I believe that it’s time to sit down and make a written “relaunch” plan with your daughter.  Explain that you love her and the children but you need to go on with your plans for your life. Now is a good time to let her know of the nest egg you have saved.  That will make is easier for the two of you to set a date for her departure and will give you a goal to work towards. Let her know how you are willing to help with the move.  If you can pitch in as a grandparent after they get settled in their new place, share how you want to do that with her as well. Plan to meet regularly to check on her progress with apartment hunting and planning for moving day.

Now that her crisis is over, you can soon enjoy the post parenthood stage of life again and still take pleasure in your family.  Your daughter will regain her privacy and self esteem.  Best wishes to you both.

Best,

Dr. Betty Frain, MFT