Dear Dr. Betty,

With the holidays coming I want to tackle a problem that I have had for quite sometime. I know that I have so much to be thankful for in my family, but I feel uncomfortable saying thank you to my children and grandchildren. My mother was not very warm nor was she able to say I love you. I'm able to say I love you but I don't know how to show my appreciation without feeling embarrassed. Do you have some ideas on how I can begin to be more verbal in showing my appreciation for my family? I have always used gifts and money as a way to show I care, but I want to be able to let those I love know in very specific ways how much I recognize their special gifts.

Feeling Frozen in Florida

Dear FeelingFrozen,

Expressing gratitude is an important part of creating intimacy and happiness for yourself and others. Having difficulty sharing your feelings of appreciation is more common than you may realize. When a person was brought up in a home that lacked warmth, he/she may not learn how to express positive feelings like joy, compassion, kindness, happiness, generosity or a desire to celebrate. It takes practice and education to notice and express gratitude, especially if you were not appreciated yourself. Eric Hoffer once said "The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings."

Here are a few ideas to use as warm ups and get you started. You may already do some of them and may need to do them more frequently. Get a notebook and jot down the answers to these questions with the first thing that comes to mind.

1. What do you appreciate about yourself?
2. Who and how did people show gratitude to you for the things you did to support them? Do you remember what they said?
3. What would you like to say to your grandchildren if you knew it was the last time you would see them?
4. Take a few moments now and every day to reflect on the joy your family has brought you over the years.
5. We all have the need to be appreciated… what do you wish you had been recognized for doing that may have been overlooked.
6. Write a letter of thanks to a loved one who supported you in meeting your goals.
7. Plan a celebration you would like to have that would include your children and grandchildren. Celebration comes from gratitude and creates an uplifting feeling that can be infectious.
8. Start with a greeting card, email or phone call just to say thanks about something you deeply appreciate about your family members.
9. Pause and reflect on the richness of your connection to your ancestors.
10. Add your own thoughts and ideas on appreciation in your journal and start thinking of unique, creative ways you can show and tellwhat you are grateful for.

Gratitude is powerful because it brings out your own kindness and reminds you of what is really important in life. Gratitude prevents us from taking our precious life for granted and puts the problems and flaws of life in perspective. Gratitude is an important component of well-being and health. Have fun with this. Once you get started, it will get easier with practice.

Betty