Dear Dr. Betty,

My 24 year old daughter has been a “high need” child and young adult. I am 55 and have made many sacrifices for her over the years. She is finally on her own after months of mental health treatment. I am now focusing on my own health and growth.  So far, I have lost weight, joined a support group and a yoga class. I have been a pre-school teacher for over 25 years but now I want to try new things such as painting and poetry. I have found new friends who are interested in art and I feel more alive than ever before. My problem is that I am getting criticized for being too unconventional and a bit off my rocker. The critics cause me to loose my confidence and doubt myself.  My daughter is not one of the naysayers…it’s my brothers and sisters.

Confused in California

Dear Confused,

Isn’t it exciting that you have the time and resources to make creative changes and finally come into your own life? It’s always a bit unsettling to others and to ourselves when we go in a new direction and create something very different for ourselves. We all love sameness and stable people that we can count on. In addition to friends and family members encouraging us to stay the same, our own inner critic can shut us down or immobilize us as well. It is important to anticipate this and find ways to handle it like you are doing now.

Self Care

You are taking some very important steps as you handle your feelings of distress and confusion… and that is self-care. Rest, exercise and a high nutrient diet will nourish you and give you the strength and healing needed for the wonder-filled transition ahead.Your support system of like-minded artists is also key. 

Courage

It takes courage to handle the period of normal disorientation and pressures of change. I imagine that you have developed many resilient skills during the years of parenting a high need child. These skills will come in handy to support your flexibility now.

Quantum leaps in growth are always preceded by challenges and crisis. The chaotic time that comes before change, stimulates innovation.

Bonus

The bonus years after child raising offer the freedom to engage in new activities and revisit old dreams. The path you are taking is not a popular one with some members of your family, but it clearly is yours. It makes you feel more alive, but it feels like a bit of a risk.

Inspiration

Authors Natalie Goldberg, Anne Lamott, Julia Cameron and Annie Dillard write about creativity and managing the inner critic. Their inspiration will teach you more about how to deal with criticism.
Rainer Maria Rilke also writes on this topic, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue… Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”  

Your vision is valuable and I support you in pursuing it.

My best to you! 

Dr. Betty