Dear Dr Betty, 

I have four grown children (ages 18-28) who love to travel the world in search of adventure and knowledge. The  21 year old  wants to go to the Birthright program in Israel, another wants to study sustainable  building design in Denmark for his Masters degree, the third is eager to attend the Semester at Sea program to learn how to work with global non-governmental agencies. My fourth child is applying for a Peace fellowship that may take her to dangerous parts of the world.  I raised them to be socially responsible men and women but now I fear for their safety and wellbeing. I don’t want to be one of those parents who are accused of over-parenting or of hovering but I am becoming more anxious as they scatter further and further from home. Help! 

Anxious in Alaska.

Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on rearing such independent and curious young men and women.

It seems as if your children are well launched.  They sound like they are seekers  and change agents.  I imagine that along the way they have learned to make decisions, take chances and cope with the frustration and anxiety of travel.   Given that, they are sophisticated enough and most likely well equipped to handle the risks involved in going to new and different places in the world. In fact, it appears that they have many leadership skills like courage, generosity and flexibility that are required for these endeavors. Their travels will certainly increase these qualities, qualities that are needed in our global society.

It is normal to feel grief and sorrow when grown children leave home and start their own lives, separate and start doing very exciting things without us. 

Remind yourself that there are no guarantees for their safety and well being even if they did stay closer to home.

Luckily we now have wonderful ways to stay connected to each other in addition to postcards and  letters, such as  email, Skype, cell phones and  by sharing  photographs. 

This sounds like a great time for you to have a few adventures for yourself.  Are there any projects that you have always wanted to do that relate to travel or learning about cultures other than your own?  Are you interested or able to visit your children as they make their way to several parts of the globe? Are there educational endeavors that you have left incomplete? The departure of your children opens time for new pursuits. After 28 years in the role of being a parent, it’s time to re-craft your identity.

You now have the opportunity to enjoy the present moment in new ways. This time of your life offers you a chance to change your focus from them to yourself and others in your family and community. 

We are at the time of our lives when we can look back and see some of the things we have left undone, and some of the dreams we put aside for child rearing. Enroll in a class, talk to other parents of grown children, volunteer, and do something unplanned and unexpected for yourself.

Now you must have faith that the life lessons you have imparted along with academic and social lessons they have gathered for themselves will support them. Don’t let  the  normal separation anxiety of the departure of your children, interfere with your children’s adventures.  Instead,  have some of your own!

Enjoy!
Dr. Betty