Dear Dr. Betty,

My husband, grown children and I are having difficulty overcoming the climate of fear that has descended on our family and our country. My 26-year-old son had been working in the mortgage banking industry for the past six years but federal agents recently shut down his company and he is suddenly out of a job.  Luckily he wasn’t involved in any shenanigans, but it has been shocking for us.

In addition to that, my daughter joined the military, after a very difficult marriage, hoping to find stability for her three children and herself.  Now she is being told she must move to Japan for three years.

When we turn on the television, we find a long list of things that we are told to fear. It’s confusing and demoralizing. I feel anxious most of the time and sometimes feel sad as well. We are trying to figure out how to recognize the real dangers and then how to react to them to create a better future for our family, and ourselves. Do you have any suggestions?

Frightened in Fargo

Dear Frightened,

Families are faced with a host of new challenges including our depressed economy, job losses and the housing crisis, causing millions to feel less secure. Fear is becoming an epidemic in American families today. Forty million Americans suffer from some type of anxiety disorder according to the Nation Institute of Mental Health (2008).

You and your family have good reason to feel negative emotions such as anger, sadness, shock, envy, betrayal and anxiety. Distressing feelings often keep us from seeing and responding clearly. They can interfere with learning, memory and our immune system too.

On the other hand, anger and other difficult emotions can be potential source of power and strength if managed well.  For example, fear makes us more alert.  It sharpens our focus and redirects us if used effectively. Fear can bring a jolt that wakes us up and turns on creative thinking.  It can help us prioritize what’s really important. Fear also fosters more cooperation in some people.

Please be aware that when people are afraid they tend to isolate from each other.  Many families are spending increasingly more time in their technological “bubbles”.  Computers, pagers, video games, advertising, cell phones, T.V., DVD’s, non stop email, all break up our attention and cause us to be distracted.

The media further conditions us to believe that the world is a scary place with its unrelenting coverage of rare, tragic and violent incidents.

A steady diet of fear interferes with our sense of independence and competence; it can lower our morale and our hope for the future instead of increasing resilience and coping strategies.

I think it is helpful to remember that as a country, we have overcome market crashes before because our systems of finance and government put legislation in place to protect the common man. We have been tested time and time again and have made it through as a nation. We can learn from our mistakes and take charge again, but we will all have to work together to make this happen.

Parents have the power to help their families and themselves to handle fear and other negative emotional states.  One way to do that is to create concrete plans with specific steps to take to fulfill the plans. Now is the time of deliberation and then action for your family.

My suggestion is to gather together for a family meeting to brainstorm and generate some solutions and strategies, both reasonable and outlandish.  You might consider remembering times in the past that you experienced shock or loss. Use the lessons you learned from those experiences to remind you of the strengths and skills you already possess.  Focuses on what choices and networks are available to you.  Make plans and stick to them until something better occurs to you. Remind each other of your talents, and how you can contribute to each other’s wellbeing.

Ask your son and daughter what kinds of support they need and let them know what you need in return.  Healthy families share pain and provide warmth in a time of trouble. It is powerful to know that you are in this together and you are not alone.

It is unfortunate that you will lose close contact with your daughter and grandchildren, but it doesn’t mean that you will be cut off altogether.  Now, with web cameras, it’s possible to visit each other over the Internet on a regular basis. Talk over and reassure each other how you will stay connected over the years. I imagine visits will be organized and times will be set up for regular phone call and email dates. An organization that supports long distance relationships and produces a book called Grandparenting From A Distance is available to you. Contact them at http://www.fambooks.com/grandparenting.htm. They can help you with hundreds of ideas for ways to keep your bond alive while they are far away.

Your son’s situation has created many losses for him.  You can help him think about his job loss as a good thing, in that he got out of a possible illegal and unethical company.  Now he has the opportunity to be associated with an honest, healthy company.

Talk with your spouse first about how you want to support him.  Do you want to invite your son to live with you for a short period of time or do you want to help him with researching job opportunities or lending him money if needed?  Many families are pitching in to provide a safety net that has been dismantled. Some families pay for health insurance or car insurance or both until their son or daughter can get back on their feet.

Before you have your family meeting, make a flexible agenda.  Plan several meetings to overcome the tendency to isolate and to keep people active.

Above all, make sure that you breathe. The most basic response to shocking losses is to hold our breath.  Taking a few deep belly breaths connects the two sides of the brain to help us function more effectively.  Deep breathing prevents our fear center from hijacking our executive functioning center.  By taking a few deep breaths before tackling issues will help you stay calmer during the problems solving phase.  Deep breathing helps us to slow down and thus avoid the tendency to be impulsive or to become paralyzed by panic. The relaxation that slows, full breathing brings, helps overcome common emotional struggles, and gives us more emotional stability.

Relaxation prevents distractedness, and potentially serious hopeless and helplessness. Go to www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management-breathing  for more information.

Help manage your moods of anxiety and sadness by providing yourself with extra support during this difficult time such as adding vitamin supplements, giving each other back or neck massages, increasing exercise yoga or stretching, eating more fresh fruits and veggies, taking more walks in the sunshine, scheduling more quiet/private time, and of course remembering to breathe.

We often underestimate our capacity for hardiness and bouncing back. Stay focused on the loving relationships you have with your family and you will be able to manage this difficult time in a better frame of mind.

Best to you,

Dr. Betty