Dear Dr. Betty, 

My son and his wife find themselves in a tough situation. Due to the loss of their well-paying jobs they are in need of support. My daughter-in-law was working on her master’s degree but has decided to give up her education to support the family. They have two pre-school children that I adore.  My son has not asked for any help but I know he and his family are struggling. I want to offer them the opportunity to live with my husband and I, but my spouse is not so sure he wants to open our home to four active people after having several years of peace and quiet. He is also concerned about how helping them will affect our finances. I know I need to come up with a proposal that will provide guidelines for all of us. Do you have some suggestions on how to approach this crisis? 

Uncertain in Arizona

Dear Uncertain,

You are not alone in trying to find a way to navigate this unprecedented economic time with your grown children. This sounds like a financial emergency and that your son is down on his luck. I presume that you get along with them fairly well or you wouldn’t open your home to them.  Your husband is correct in being apprehensive about adding four personalities to a relatively peaceful home.

My first suggestion is to sit down with your husband and listen to his reservations, ideas and expectations. You don’t want to have him agree to a plan begrudgingly. Decide what you both can live with and what is unacceptable to you in relation to sharing your home. 

Things to consider:  Be honest and open about financial issues including problems with credit card debt, financial progress reports, charging for rent, payment of groceries, and utilities, loans/IOU’s. How the family will handle household chores, food shopping, childcare, yard work, laundry, friends visiting, quiet and private times, and other day-to-day issues. Another suggestion is to make a plan for independence. Make sure that your son and daughter-in-law understands that this will be a temporary situation. Set a tentative date as a goal for their moving on with their lives.  Be honest about your financial needs and wishes for your retirement years.  Be sure that you are not sacrificing your own retirement and goals to help your children.

Most people that I talk to who have been in a similar boomerang situation say that it has gone surprisingly well.  Families have told me they like the reciprocity of the relationship with grown children and have enjoyed helping them and their grand children. They do stress the importance of getting all the issues out on the table at the start. Those who have worked out a successful living arrangement, say sharing a home offers many emotional benefits. The key to the situation is to speak up frankly and address issues directly.

My Irish Uncle reminded me that until relatively recently, no one saw anything unusual about two generations or three living under the same roof or grandparents helping with the grandchildren. Maybe we are returning to an extended definition of family.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Betty