Dear Dr. Betty,

I am feeling stuck and fearful. I am not sure I can bounce back from my latest disappointments. My usual optimistic outlook on life has turned to pessimism and gloom. Single again at age 55, I can’t shake the fact that I have made so many poor choices and mistakes. For instance, I purchased a home after saving for years only to lose it in the housing turbulence. In addition to that, I have recently been forced to take an early retirement from the company I enjoyed working for as an office manager, when they downsized. My frugal mother, who lived through the Great Depression, taught me to save for a rainy day, but I didn’t save for storm after storm. I still need to work, at least part time. I want to keep an open mind, but I feel like such a failure. 

Hibernating in New Hampshire.

Dear Hibernating,

Very few people were able to predict the economy’s meltdown and the need to retire before they were ready. Many middle class people have come to realize that the retirement they planned for will not take place the way they envisioned; it will be much simpler. Millions of people are grieving the loss of the dreams they worked towards for 30-40 years.

Recently I interviewed ten people who have flourished after severe set backs and loss. One of the key things they share is their ability to mourn their losses and then to reinvent themselves.  None of them were able to plan ahead for the end of their business, job, marriage or loss of loved ones. They were all taken by surprise.

Many of these resilient people emphasized the need to have a confidante to share their grief, shock and anger with. A few sought counseling, most found a trusted friend or relative to share their “negative” thoughts and feelings. Once they had grieved a large portion of their sadness, they were ready to create new goals and to tweak old dreams. Two found support in professional coaches, others turned to spouses or peers as they brainstormed their encore careers or restructured their lives.

All found new work in something that they felt passionate about. Most plan to work until age seventy or past because they enjoy their new work very much and want to contribute their hard earned wisdom to up-and-coming generations.

Well-educated Boomers bring to their later years a huge pool of talent and creativity. Your experience as an office manager can be translated to many other jobs that require organizational and multitasking skills.

One fifty-year old woman, I interviewed, lost her home in a hurricane while she was away traveling for her clothing company. Shortly after that, she discovered that her business partner had embezzled a large quantity of money from her and she was forced to close her business. Her response was to retreat to a beautiful spot where she ate well, exercised and rested with friends. She re-emerged refreshed and ready to tackle her new life one step at a time. Rather than spend time and energy seeking retribution from her ex-partner, she decided to use her design experience to rebuild and redecorate her home with the insurance money she received. She did such a beautiful job that her home was photographed for a magazine, which led to a new life as an interior decorator.

The majority of people who retire, even if forced, adapt well and find a focused life of meaning that includes stimulating, and enjoyable activities.  According to a survey done by AARP in 2004, 79% of Boomers plan to work in some capacity during their retirement years.

The pains of the losses you have suffered were unavoidable, but those calamities don’t have to erode your capacity for fulfillment and happiness. They can be the start of a better life.  Your adversity can be used to your advantage if you don’t define your life by it, but rather mourn, explore your inner strengths and interests, formulate a vision, surround yourself with a few supportive friends or family members, and then move on to a purposeful life.

Best to you,
Dr. Betty