Dear Dr. Betty,

 My college-age son and daughter recently claimed that they don’t like my attitude towards them. They believe that I worry too much and hover over them.  They even went so far as to call me a helicopter parent and said I need to step back and allow them to deal with their own problems. My daughter no longer wants me to call her daily and my son told me to stop asking about his schoolwork or personal life.  I recently embarrassed my daughter by trying to intervene on her behalf to see what was stalling her student loan. This infuriated her and she told me to “get a life”.  I am shocked. My ex-husband always told me that I have been overprotective and he might be right. What will I do now?  How do I fix this?

Out of a Job in St Croix

Dear O.O.A.J,

I’m glad to know that your children have the courage to tell you to back off.  It is natural and healthy for grown children to want independence and privacy from their parents. You are not alone in being asked to give your children room to grow. Many colleges are facing large numbers of parents who are enmeshed in their grown children’s lives. Many college parent weekends offer tips on how to step back graciously.

 After your rude awakening, it appears that you are now motivated and ready to change from being over-involved in your children’s lives. This is good news.

If you don’t give them the room they require for their growth and development, you risk alienating them and having them dread being in your presence.

Parents today have grown used to managing so much of their children’s lives. Boomer parents read many parenting books, recruited top-notch tutors or coaches and searched for the finest extracurricular activities for their offspring.  Some parents have grown accustomed to needing to be needed.

 It is difficult to change from the role of a lifeguard to that of a cheerleader or consultant. Many parents equate hovering or being “helpful” with closeness and love with being protective. You can be empathetic with the problems of their lives without trying to fix them or intervening. Trust in their ability to figure things out on their own, while allowing them to develop their identity, self confidence and self -discipline.

Your children might see you as a meddling mom.  Nagging, warnings, reminders, lectures and intrusions activate the fight or flight instinct in most people. Unsolicited advice and interventions are actually a disservice, are not taken lightly and can stir up anger and resentment.

It is my feeling that the more we do for our children, that they can do for themselves, the more we rob them of their opportunity to learn responsibility, develop their own character and solve their own problems.

 We all want children who grow up to make smart decisions, have strong coping and problem-solving skills. This will not happen if you continue to rescue and intervene by pulling your grown children out of jams. If you step in too much with solutions you actually rob your child of learning, impede their emotional growth and delay the maturation process. 

Many young people become dependant on being reminded and warned. They have never developed the voice in their heads to remind themselves of their responsibilities. The road to wisdom is paved with mistakes and self-corrections. Allow them to learn by doing.

Many helicopter parents act fearful, as if the normal ups and downs of life are crises. They fear that their children will be harmed in some way or that they will be stressed and take on way too much. Parents who swoop down to fix or shield, want to ease their children into adulthood but really don’t equip them for the challenges of the real world.

Your children are right to ask for the chance to prepare themselves for decision-making and self-control. You won’t be abandoning them, but rather, you will be showing that you trust their ability to make choices and showing faith that they can solve their own problems.

Now is the time of life to enjoy your life and your children. It’s time to “retire” from super-parenting and find another line of work. This change will actually lower your stress levels and permit you to get more rest. Soon you will find your energy level rising, and your interest in new ways of helping out. Perhaps you may choose to volunteer to work with young children who still need guidance and support.

Get back to your children. Let them know what you will do about their legitimate complaints and requests. Let them know you are now going to take really good care of yourself. Tell yourself that you will refuse to be overly concerned about them and you will no longer have your life rotate around them. You can be there as a person to bounce ideas off, but you will no longer make their problems yours.

If you are left with anxious feelings while going through these changes, it helps to take part in physical exercise, or other absorbing activities.  Be sure to read other columnists at 50+Fabulous for hundreds of ideas of interesting ways to develop a more fulfilling life.

Kahil Gibran says it well in his thoughts: On Children.

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.”

Take really good care of yourself and enjoy this new stage of life filled with new types of work and fun.    

Dr.  Betty