Dear Dr. Frain:

I have been a parent for the past 30 years (1/2 of my life)! I finally have the joy of living in my quiet house alone. Now, my middle son wants to return home. He is pursuing a Ph.D. and tells me that he can’t afford to work on his degree and pay rent at the same time. His request comes at a time when I really want my freedom. I have put my needs aside for my family and even raised my sons as a single parent for 15 years. Now I want to explore my own abilities, dreams and talents without being distracted by my grown child. I am feeling conflicted and a bit guilty that I don’t want to give up my privacy and share my home with my son. I want to be supportive of him; do you have any thoughts about this situation?

Sincerely,

Confused in NYC

Dear Confused:

I am hearing more and more about these dilemmas. As the price of housing skyrockets each year and the cost of a good education climbs as well, twenty and thirty year old adults are asking to return home.

At the same time, many women at your stage of life want to spread their wings and take off in new directions. It is understandable that you need and want the freedom to experience life more fully. You have invested energy and love in your children and now you realize it is time to focus on yourself. You are entering a powerful period in your life when some of your deepest and richest growth can take place.

Loving your son enough to be honest with him about your needs can be an aspect of that growth. Realizing your emerging potential may mean that you will say no to his wishes at this time. I suggest that you let him know that you want to be supportive, but that opening your home to him is not one of the ways you wish to do so. Let him know that you are willing to brainstorm ways that you can be helpful to each other as you both go through a time of transition and expansiveness.

He may be surprised, unhappy and even a little threatened that you are giving up your care-taking role to create a different future for yourself. Our children often have a difficult time understanding that we won’t always be available unconditionally for them.

Set a time when you can talk without interruption or interference. Plan ahead for this meeting by thinking of ways that you are willing to be supportive. Perhaps you are willing to help him find an affordable living situation or navigate the business of obtaining student loans. Maybe you would feel good about offering to pay his car insurance, health insurance or his cell phone bill. Think about how he can be supportive of you as well. I’m sure you will have a meaningful dialogue and that you will discover plans that will lead to advancement, progress and healthy change for both of you.

My best to both of you!

Betty