Dear Dr. Frain:

We are planning a family reunion this summer and want it to be a memorable event that will increase our family connection. We had a retreat three years ago that did not increase our bond. Do you have some tips for our family? We have two grown children, their spouses and our grandchildren ages 12,10, 6 and 4. Last time we got together, family members brought their computers, cell phones and computer games. Those, combined with a T.V. in the van, iPods, DVD's and CDs kept us busy, but apart. Is it too much to ask to have people leave some of these devices at home so that we can get renewed and reenergized through outdoor activities and real conversation?

-Sincerely, Frustrated Family in Santa Barbara

Dear Frustrated:

Technology is everywhere! I went to an event recently and it seemed that the 20 & 30 year olds present were just as busy with their blackberries and picture phones as they were with their face-to-face interactions with each other.

Family reunions offer an opportunity to include grown and young children in imaginative play, games and spontaneous laughter and sharing. Such interactions provide a family with a pleasurable, secure base that fosters resilience in the years ahead. Retreats provide a place to reduce stress and increase warmth and nurturance. Our increasingly busy world does not offer many chances for deep, rich, soothing times to devote to one another. This balance is important to strengthen capacities for enjoying life and coping with its ups and downs.

Emotional engagement comes from the experience of nurturing interaction and the intimacy of ongoing love. If people are interrupted in their conversations by loved ones who take a phone call or need to text message during dinner, this is a cut off and shows a lack of respect for the people who are present who are expected to wait patiently to resume their talk.

As leaders in our families, I think it is important to protect our children from over use of technologies. These products are competing for our children's hearts and minds. T.V. can cast a hypnotic spell over children and adults. We often think that T.V. is relaxing, but the mind is often over stimulated by the violence and trauma of our programming. Children and adults sometimes walk away from too much T. V. exhausted, yet with an need to discharge hyperactive feelings. Excessive use of computer games have been shown to lead to a tendency to perseverate, and become self-involved. In some homes the T.V. and computers are on five, or more, hours a day.

To be sure that your family has ample time for play, rest and relaxation, I suggest that you talk with your grown son and daughter and their spouses. Perhaps you can plan activities that will include opportunities to learn about nature, to draw, journal or create. You can bring board games with you as well as inexpensive cameras, and art supplies.

Some families make a commitment to having a time to be "unplugged" each day. Others set boundaries around cell phone usage (turn them off at dinner and while playing games or visiting) or (no text messaging at any meals). You have a right to request a limit on these distracting gadgets.

Loving care is demonstrated by protecting our children from technology that may negatively affect their nervous systems. Unstructured time, to hang out, can bring a family closer together, through deeper conversations that allow each member to get to know the others as the unique individuals they are. Balance is the key. What we all need more of is loving, warm relationships and these take time and creativity to develop.

Best,

Dr. Betty Frain, MFT